Sunday, April 25, 2010

You v/s You


Isn't your day full of them?

Take my average day for instance.

I love my city but absolutely HATE commuting in it.
I love that summer evenings are longer. I hate the fact that it's summer.
I love partying and meeting my friends. I hate moving from my room, the AC, the TV and my books.
I hate my taste in men. But I still think that somewhere I'm being true to myself when I realise why I like them.

I am a very chilled, easy-going person. I can also be uptight and very rigid about certain things.
I consider myself one of the most open-minded people I know, welcoming change with open arms. Yet I find myself falling prey to stereotypical thinking and judgments - sometimes unknowingly...
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I'm very practical. But I'm a creative person.
I believe in logic but I live by instinct.
I think I should only mingle with a certain kind of people - people who live my kind of life, think my kind of thoughts and are on the same wavelength. Yet I find myself drawn to my opposites and feel more comfortable with them than I do with 'my kind of people' sometimes.

So which me is the real me? Which me am I more true to? Do I have double standards? Do I want to have my cake and eat it too? Or is this just who I am? Who many of us are...filled with contradictions that blow the leaves of our lives either this way or that.

After all, what's life without a little breeze?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

How did you picture yourself 10 years ago? On a boat on a river, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies...?

No, seriously...what did you think you would be right now? Or rather at what stage of life did you think you would be at? Because when I think of what I was 'supposed' to be at this stage, I wince, shudder and promptly go on to block the thought. Repress it. I'm in denial! To some extent, we all are.

How many of us thought that by now we'd be married?
How many of us thought that we'd have become famous, written our books, made our first films and first crore?
How many of us thought we'd have our own houses? Go on expensive holidays? Be fit and fabulous and the envy of everybody? Our phones should have been ringing off the hook by now, our school-mates should have been spotting us in newspapers regularly...we should be cruising down a highway, listening to our favourite music - while the world around us swirls in perfect, happy rainbow colours....


Then how come most of us are still not married - and relieved to be so.
How come we're all still struggling to 'make it'. To dammit write that damned book once and for all...get that script done with...hell get that promotion already!
Why do we still feel embarassed to meet our school-mates, feeling like we'll be judged? Why don't some of us even have a car to cruise with yet? And goddamit I'm waiting for my swirly rainbow colours!!!

What is this deadline we're all up against? Why do we have to still live our lives by some sort of hourglass...? "Time is running out..." What time? Why can't we all just chill? What is this crappy rat race that affects all our lives - like it or not. Why can't our lives be measured by the quality of our thoughts and relationships rather than our bank accounts and waistlines? What is 'time' really?
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And what is WITH this damned 'biological clock'??? if I hear the words 'biological clock' once again from anyone, I'm going to SCREAM!

So yes, we may not be at the ideal place we thought we should have been at. But when I see some of those who are living their 'dream' - a.k.a false, unhappy lives and then I look at what I've built in the last 10 years, the relationships, memories, thoughts and ideals, I suddenly forget the dreams I once had and my world turns swirly again - colourful, rainbow-like. Perfect.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The mind of a 20 something-year-old


Quarter life crisis. Over the hill. 4 years from 30. 14 years from 40.
Finally we've reached a point where we think we've grown up. Into the people we always wanted to be. Or have we? Isn't there room to grow...till you're 86 at least? Ah thank god, that's a good 60 years away.

Why do I feel like we've reached this point in time, where we're all frozen. Frozen in space and time. Looking at our lives from the outside. Seeing the clock ticking, people changing, parents getting older, full grown adults getting younger and 17 year olds with a world-weary look in their eyes.

Teenagers seem more and more opinionated and pig-headed. Adults seem more and more outdated.
You can't believe your mother doesn't know how to use a laptop mouse.
You also can't believe that your 10 year old niece doesn't know how to use her imagination.
Suddenly when somebody leaves the bathroom messy it becomes an 'issue'.
Suddenly you become particular about people touching your face.
Suddenly the way people chew grates on your nerves even more than exam papers did.
Sometimes, when you're partying, and NOT blind drunk you're looking at your watch more than you ever did.
Sometimes, when you're partying and you ARE blind drunk, you swear and swear and swear again that you will NEVER drink again. EVER.
Suddenly dinners, lunches, coffees, picnics, concerts, matches, treasure hunts, treks, board game nights and movies seem like a lot more fun than a night club is. While curling up in bed with a good book or watching a few episodes of your favourite sitcom are the MOST appealing. Why? What's happened? 18 till I die right? Then how come I'm avoiding making a party plan on a 'week night'! Since when am I a 'morning person'???
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When you see teenage boys and girls leaving all their self-respect behind the camera and reveling in being abused, tortured, objectified, laughed at and humiliated, all for some extra pocket money to party and buy some branded clothes, you feel shocked and start spouting 'aunty' dialogues to the tune of "Haww what are they showing these days? They are asking boys to rate how hot a girl is in front of her and asking them whether they will choose love or cash!? What has this world come to!!!"

What has this world come to? You're spouting aunty dialogues? You're saying things you used to scoff at 10 years ago. Yes. This day has come! Like it or not! You're leaving behind - albeit slowly - all the hedonism of the last 10're slowly morphing into a 'grown up'. You're slowly starting to value outings, people, relationships, friends, family.

You're slowly preparing for the next 10 years of your life - hedonistic in a different way maybe. Only time will tell.

Is this what it feels like to be 26?

I guess so.